True Confessions of My Double Life

A78C7E7F-D636-490F-8005-3FB9B190CF93-w800-h600I’ll just come right out and say it. I’ve been leading a double life.

One is the life of Chris…

It’s a life of goals, dreams, drama, money, position, status, comparison, possessions, people, appearance, to-do lists, accomplishments, paychecks, bills, taxes, lawyers, heartaches, conquests, let-downs, judgments, expectations, handshakes, stress, smiles, frills, frowns, flaws, fun and the occasional flat tire…

It’s a life of more… more more more and gimme some fucking more.

Better than you. Worse than you. What you have. What I don’t. What I want and how I’m gonna get it.

It’s a life both wonderful and tragic.

There are times in this life when everything just seems to go my way without even the slightest bit of effort… where everything is mine for the taking and the taking is EASY.

Ahhh… gotta love the good times.

HOWEVER… there are other times when this life clearly has it in for me and makes no bones about it.

Where it beats me down so bad I wonder how the heck I’m ever gonna make it out alive. When the steel-toed boots of the world keep kicking me in the side so hard I can feel my bones snap and taste the internal bleeding as I gasp for air. I think that last blow may have ruptured my spleen. Damn… not good.

In this life I can be both the man…. and a total piece of shit… in the same hour.

Some days I set the world on fire.

And some days the world itself grins at me in delight as it watches me burn.

That first life, the life of Chris, is the life of mind, world, and ego. Of me, you, and them. Of tomorrow and yesterday. Of then and there.

And then there’s my other life…

A life less tangible, but every bit as real. In fact, it’s even more real… it’s just harder to see. Because this is the life that actually does the seeing.

I can’t take a picture of it, share it in a YouTube video, or put it up on my Facebook wall.

But it’s always right here.

This is the life is where the heart lives.

It’s the life of here and now.

It’s a life of total peace and total perfection.

A life where nothing ever goes wrong. In fact, no “thing” even exists in this life except existence itself.

And all I gotta do to find this life is turn within.

These two parallel lives co-exist with each other on a daily basis.

The inner life and the outer life.

The outer life can be amazing, and a total fucking let down. Like I said, it’s pretty much hit or miss.

And while the outer life can be a fun place to hang out and do some cool stuff, I’ve found the inner life is a much better place to take off my coat, kick off my shoes and make myself at home.

The inner life is consistent and can be relied upon, especially when the outer life falls apart.

It’s a life of love, freedom, and understanding.

And no matter crazy the outside life gets, the inner life is always here.

Always here, always now… all it takes is recognizing it in the moment.

It’s been my experience that life is best lived with a foot in both worlds.

Easier said than done sometimes, but fortunately there are some simple ways to do this.

Some of the best ways are…

– Focusing on the present moment.

– Accepting the outer life 100% completely as it is. This one is HUGE. No matter what’s going on in the outer life, accepting it takes you directly to the inner life.

– Focusing on the Inner Being. The vast emptiness inside. The place beyond the mind, where Awareness lives. Not a place of thought, but the place that’s aware of the thoughts.

– Watching your thoughts

– Giving complete attention to any one of the 5 senses

– Completely immersing yourself in work you love

– Meditation

– Intense physical exercise

– Sports that force you into the moment – Surfing, extreme sports, etc.

– Art/Creative practices or hobbies

The outer life of people, places, things and situations can be awesome sometimes… and sometimes it can downright suck.

Part of its nature is for it to be different from how we want it to be. Sometimes it just doesn’t wanna see eye to eye with us. We want it to be one way, and it wants to be another.

Constantly trying to the control the outer life and arguing with it is a surefire path to misery. There’s no way to arrange it just right to where we can find happiness in it. The puzzle just doesn’t fit together that way. There will always be broken pieces, missing pieces, and extra pieces we don’t want.

But that’s how it’s designed.

It’s designed to frustrate the living shit out of us so we can seek happiness and fulfillment elsewhere.

It’s designed to beat us down so we can grow and evolve. It’s designed to break our fucking heart so we’ll cry out for something greater…. something greater than can be seen with the eyes, touched by the hand, put in a bank account, or placed on a trophy case.

The reason the outer life doesn’t always go our way is so that we’ll turn to the inner life… and maybe even to something much greater than just our “selves”… with our status, possessions, name and serial number.

And the turning in… well, it’s a beautiful fucking thing.

Talk soon,

Big Chris

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Written by Chris McCombs

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  1. Double edged sword. I feel you Chris. At times you are at peace with things and at acceptance. Other times, like you said the ugliness comes out. Part of being human. And none the less a grown man with hot blood pumping and muscle churning…. Good Read.

    • Chris McCombs Chris McCombs says:

      thanks Ryan

      yep, the ugliness comes with being human, that’s for sure

      Awareness, Acceptance and a willingness to learn and grow are HUGE ways to clean it up

  2. Beautiful. Can’t say more.

  3. Chris look up a movie called ‘The Shift’ by Dr. Dyer, it’ll blow your mind.

    Looks like you’re making ‘the shift’.
    Starting to differentiate between the difference of wha the EGO wants and what the heart desires.
    We all go through these dualities of seeing life through the artificial EGOec mind but neglect the heart, eventually returning to our essence which is the heart, soul, higher self or whatever/however we may identify with it, which knows nothing but love, joy, unity and wholeness in all that is.

    Duality between the two parts of who we are is part of human nature, part of the gig, the key imo is to integrate the two – Buddha said that in order to know what you want in ife you must first endure what you don’t want. So the essence of living through the EGO surveys a purpose of significant value – eventually bringing us back to the deepest core or our beigness!

    cools post man!

    • Chris McCombs Chris McCombs says:

      right on Rusian

      love Dyer

      checked out part of the movie

      definitely looks like something I wanna watch

      thanks for the words and tip on the movie

      gotta love Dyer

  4. Hey Chris,

    Wow what an amazing post. This could not have come at a better time for me. Thanks for speaking to those like me who battle this contrast daily. Very glad i received this email tonight.

    thank you,
    Adam A.

  5. No telling how many times this dude has saved my life…. Every time im about to go to “fuck-it land”, chris randomly pops up in my email at the perfect time!!!! The inner self can not be underestimated, this outter world and ego we are equipt with although good in some ways, but will fucking eat you alive if have a weak relationship with you inner self, even though i know these things, its still a constant everyday battle, but gets easier with practice!!!! Chris!!!!! You are killin it bro!!!!!!

    • Chris McCombs Chris McCombs says:

      damn thanks Jarett

      these words mean a lot

      and yeah, gotta keep the relationship with the inner self STRONG

      the outer life is so just so much better that way

      SOOOO much better

      especially the way we deal with it, takes away a lot of the power of the tough stuff we go through

  6. Thanks again Chris for another awesome post! Your the only cat I know that formats your life’s experiences in a way that relates to mine. BIG UPS!!!! Thanks for doing what you do!!

  7. You always speak from the heart and deliver some inspiring and very relate-able messages. This is some good shit!

  8. I have always lived a double life! You just told my life story!!!! THANKS

  9. Very well said, and appreciated.

  10. One of my favorite post by far. I think we all somehow live a double life. Excellent job as always! Just keep it up bro!


  11. Dude. I feel everything you say. As does my dude who is dealing with gnarly health shit (gout-look it up) and unemployment while showing up for Job interviews with a limp, and getting the immediate toss. Whatcha got for him? He’d work out hard if he wasn’t in insane pain. Note: he recently had cortisone shots in his back for extruded discs that when unnoticed for years, because pain is something a dude just deals with. :/

    • Chris McCombs Chris McCombs says:

      Hey Alleen, I don’t know anything about your path

      I do know that people of all walks of life with all kinds of problems, many much larger than mine or yours, find peace within and are able to learn, grow and turn things into something greater

      it’s all within you Alleen

  12. yeah I agree watch “The shift” 2 hrs so worth spending. it has taken me on a journey and there’s no turning back or even a desire to look back. EGO becomes so loud when you do more inner work. But EGO will always be a part of us so I treat it well. Kind of like being born with a split eye or something unusual…not much you can do but learn to love it:-)
    Love your insights

  13. Gary Maggio says:

    Chris, right on dude. I can relate. The illusion of more, more , more can lead to a ton of misery. Nice things are all good, however, to sacrifice the pursuit of inner peace and a spiritual path for things and flash in the pan experiences as our go to value..well I think experience shows that is a waste of the most precious asset we have. Time

  14. Big Chris,

    Well done, well said, as always. Yes, I think this is the purpose of this existence; to help guide us home to ourselves. Regardless of how great things are going or how crappy they are, you’re still revolving around and around… until you stop.

    We are like donkey’s on a rope, going around a pole… we go around, around… digging a deep rut… the rope can fall off but we are just going around. Half the circle is GREAT! We’re rockin… ha;f SUCKS.. and we get our asses kicked.

    But only when we stop and walk over to the pole, and address the center of what we’ve been running from are we or can we be free.

    We all have it.. some just don’t know it.

    Here’s to the stuff of life. THanks.


    • Chris McCombs Chris McCombs says:

      hey brother Shawn, thanks for sharing this man

      yeah man, gotta get to the center, the center that’s been here all along! (=

      hope you’re doing good my friend

  15. Chris…this is perfect. I kept waiting for you to give me the answer tho…how one keeps themselves in the inner life. the magic answer on how best to do that. for me, I can see one of the main things is practice not taking anything personally. boy that sure would free me up a lot. And the second…just keep loving. even when it seems like a bad idea. just keep loving.

    thanks for writing this.

    as i got about half way through the words that popped into my mind were “will you marry me?” 🙂 feel free to send me a private message with your response. (I’m only half kidding).

    • Chris McCombs Chris McCombs says:

      Ha ha – thanks Rita

      your words mean a lot

      looks like you’re doing cool stuff with your blog

      Yeah …

      Not taking things personal

      and loving

      what more is there to say ya know

      that’s the real deal right there

  16. Chris McCombs Chris McCombs says:

    hey right on Joe

    so cool you got the band thing going on – sooooo cool

    ( checked out your site)


    I recently embraced to concept of being broken as a good thing. ya know, people are like ‘*sob sob, i’m broken, woe is me..’ but being broken allows for flexibility; to shift and adapt. Another metaphor for the ‘be like water’ thing. This is going in my back pocket of emotional tools to rely on.

    thanks for sharing man

  17. Nice one Chris, great post. Your very right; often in life we have to turn the ‘Poison’ that’s in our outer life (ego attitude, hunger, wanting ) into the medicine for our inner life so that we can grow as human beings and flourish.
    keep up the GREAT work bro.

  18. Thanks Chris, my ‘outer life’ has been pretty busy the last 3 weeks and ive missed your last couple of posts so just catching up and I LOVED this one…prefect timing for me to remind me to spend more time in the inner life… P.S. I think it’s awesome that you read and respond to everyone’s comments, really cool.

    • Chris McCombs Chris McCombs says:

      hey thanks Jamie, appreciate it

      been hard to respond to all the comments lately

      they mean SOOO much to me, but I’m falling behind on a few other posts cuz I’ve been so busy

      doing my best (=

  19. Chris…sooooo basically you’re saying turn inward to what or whom exactly?

  20. Great article! Everyone could be so much happier if they just learned to live life this way! Thanks!

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