Some crazy stuff started happening to me in Spring of 2011 … and it changed my life forever
Now, I’ve written about about weird stuff before, but this one takes not only the cake, but the baker too
In fact, this just may be the very post where I lose a large portion of my audience, where I’m called a heretic, delusional and full of shit.
So be it
What I’m about to tell you simply will not be accepted by some people, it’s just too far beyond what they currently accept is “real”
Along the lines of what Joe Rogan often says, it’s no weirder than life, being able to watch something we call a TV, talking to each other on cell phones or driving over to see your friend Bob
THAT’S some strange shit… we just currently happen to accept it as reality
Because this post goes beyond what can be seen by the eye or touched by the hand, it will just plain be too much for some
And for those who has all the secrets of life and the universe figured out, I’m sure they have a nice safe little label to put on exactly what I experienced
Just like anyone who considers themselves to be somehow closer to God than the rest of us, and therefore an authority on the subject, will say that what I’m about to tell you is downright blasphemous, unless of course I’m a member of their religion and have the exact same “copy and paste” belief system they do… then it’s all fine and dandy
If people don’t understand something, they like to put it in a little box and tell it to “sit and stay” where it can remain safe from gnawing away at their closely gaurded belief structures
Sure, I’ve had some pretty strange stuff happen to me in my day… some real out of this world serendipitous type stuff as well as what can be be described as the paranormal
Like the time I was 22 years old laying in bed in the middle of the night with the sister of one of my best friends, Shannon, who was murdered in a drug rip-off home invasion robbery, just a few months before
We were staring up at the ceiling asking Shannon to give us a sign that he knew we loved him
And right at that moment, on the ceiling we were starting at, there were three loud and distinct knocks… just like a human would make, but this was on the ceiling, of the top floor, at like 2am, just after we asked for a sign from a recently murdered loved on
I did the math, it was a fucking sign
Now this wasn’t the only strange experience myself or group of friends and family had during the period shortly after Shannon’s death… in fact A LOT of weird shit happened
But this blog post is not about the paranormal, I’ll save that post for another day
This one is about something even stranger
But fair warning…
If you don’t think there’s more to this deal of being human than meets the eye…
… OR if you’ve got the entire play of the cosmos figured out or if you have an explanation for everything that happens to everyone who exists, then it’s probably time you stop reading and head some place you can get some nice juicy dogma with cheese and a large fries, to go.
Ok, here’s what happened…
Spring of 2011, dead of night, around 2am… why does all the weird shit happen to me at 2am?
Family asleep inside the 4500sq foot house we live in, two 2-car garages… one on each end of the house, circular driveway, custom pool with a waterfall and a beautiful view of central Orange County California
I’m ripped, tanned, looking good… it all “looks” good
Fueled on a complex cocktail of body building drugs…. Testosterone, Trenbolone Enathate, D-Bol, Equipoise, ECA stack, T3, IGF, HGH as well as high doses of fear from the lie I’ve been living, I pace the garage to a constant soundtrack of angry metal and angry rap
The garage is filled with shame, regret and pot smoke.
At this point in my life, I live in the garage… well, I sleep in the house, but only a few hours a night… the Trenbolone won’t allow anymore than that
And when I do sleep I wake up covered in sweat in cold sweat
There’s a an awesome house just on the other side of the wall, but I spend my time in the garage
It’s where I do almost all of my work these days… standing up punching keys on my lap top, which sits on a pile of boxes on top of a chair
I probably spend 16 hours a day in the garage.
In the house there are issues to face, things to hide and discussions to be had, that I am too scared to have.
Too much reality in the house.
The garage is safe… got my bong, 5 kinds of pot from the medical marijuana dispensary and my music
I love my music
In an attempt to outrun the non-stop screams of my Ego, I pace back and forth, like a caged animal, between my Harley and brand new red corvette, or mid-life crises mobile as I currently like to call it.
I hate that fucking car… love the Harley, but hate the car
It’s a symbol of my fall from grace
I am in deep pain caused by my actions, I’ve done things no husband should do.
Fear is my constant ally… riding shotgun everywhere I go
It’s too much to take
Ya know, I used to have a good life, before the money, before the car, before the DECISIONS.
Before the lies.
Now, lets be clear, I have NO IDEA what created me, that’s for some fucking dude over there to know
All I know is that my life is fucked
What God is? I have no idea and am fine with that
I simply have no patience for spiritual hubris … when someone tells me they know exactly what God is… especially when they tell me I better believe like they do or else… because their exclusive little club is the only one holding the golden tickets…
1. All they end up telling me is what God is NOT
2. They are giving their little cause a very bad name
Plain and simply it’s too Great to be defined… The labels and dogma just don’t make the cut
As I pace the garage of my misery, I remember how God, my Creator, WHATEVER is running the show here, healed me from 15 years of addiction and misery before back in the year 2000
A time when I knew I had to sober up
I was 30 years old, in a MASSIVE amount of pain and for the first time I had seen what I had truly become
I hit my knees and prayed, to what I prayed, I have no idea, I don’t need a concept, just a humble willingness to turn my life over to whatever created me
As soon as I did that, answers starting bombarding me from everywhere I turned… the TV, radio, people talking… it was surreal how I was flooded with Truth
I would have a question in my mind and the moment I was done thinking the question, the answer would come from something right in front of my eyes
It was surreal
It’s like I finally dropped my resistance, and was humbled into submission … that lead to almost an entire decade of sobriety as well as a pretty good life
For years I prayed, on my knees, every morning and night
But Somehow I Lost My Way
I made money my God, was CONSUMED by my Ego and getting shit done became more important than taking 2 minutes out of my day to hit my knees and say “Thy Will, Not Mine, Be Done”
And now my soul is locked up in the garage
The situation is too much for me, I see no way out, the wounds are too deep
I stop pacing, close my eyes, and say something along the lines of “God, please help”
And I MEANT IT, with every cell of my being… no reservations
All of a sudden a giant rush of Wind and Love came from above me, through my head and my heart, and filled my entire body
My head and chest popped up, my arms were placed down and out to my sides, my palms literally “turned” up
Now lets be clear, just like “I” am not the one who grows my hair and beats my heart when I sleep, “I” am not the one putting my arms back and out and my head, chest and palms up
It Is Being Done To Me
My entire body is filled with Spirit, it is straight up fucking orgasmic
The Wind feels to almost lift me off the ground, it didn’t, but it sure seemed like it was gonna
This lasted for about 30-60 seconds, it was gone as quick as it came, leaving me with tears in my eyes, peace in my heart and a deep knowing that I felt the Hand of God.
This was a starting point of a great turnaround
I started praying again on the reg…. Not praying FOR anything, just basic “Thy Will, Not Mine, Be Done” type
Life at this time was still filled with havoc, chaos and bad decisions… it would take a while yet for me to be able to make the “big” changes I need to make
Shovel in hand, I still hadn’t hit bottom
And here’s what even crazier, this experience, KEPT happening to me
Especially when I would pray with everything in me, handing my entire life over to the Loving Force that Created Me
Over the next year and a half or so it happened dozens of times, usually not as intense as the first few times
After a while it started feeling more fluid-like than a Wind, as if something is being poured into me
And the head and chest popping up and arms going out usually isn’t part of it… that was mostly just the first few times
I don’t have that many of these experiences, now as I’ve turned the corner, but they we’re coming at me left and right once I started to head towards the bend in the road
I don’t ever try to “make” it happen… that would be a long hard exercise in futility and not something I feel I have a right to do
My fiance, Veronica, points out, it usually seems to happen when my back’s against the wall and I feel overwhelmed by a situation and I completely surrender to Divine Will
It just doesn’t seem to happen when I’m chewing bubble gum dancing in the rain
Now, I can see how one would think it must be the pot
HOWEVER, I smoked that stuff pretty much every day from age 15 to 30, took the better part of 10 years off of it, and smoked it again for 3 or 4 months prior to this experience, pretty much all day every day
After the first week or two of smoking pot, it doesn’t even really get me stoned anymore
It just kinda helped take the edge off and allows me to “maintain”
This experience was FAR too profound to be some kind of marijuana hallucination
And… after I got sober, it kept happening
It’s definitely not a drug thing
Nor is it as simple as an emotion or “feeling”, like a pastor at what’s probably the most well known church in the country tried to label it as, in his attempt to minimize his experience.
Sorry Holier Than Thou Pastor dude, I know you think you’re some kind of authority on matters such as these, but I can say with all certainty, that you sir, are full of shit
One of the most profound times it happened was a few weeks after that pic on the left was taken
My Oxycodone, Hydrocodone, Xanax, Adderall, THC, Vodka Headshot… say cheese mother fucker!
After losing my family, I turned to drugs much heavier than just weed to kill the shame, sorrow and self-hate
A man with no soul… just look in my eyes
Shortly after this pic was taken I detoxed… and on about the 11th or 12th day, I prayed with everything in me, for the Supreme Being to take over and guide and direct my entire life
Again, the Wind of Love came rushing in and a deep sense of peace overcame me… my eyes were oceans of tears
And then the strangest thing happened
I could hear what seemed to be every individual animal for good quarter mile in each direction… every dog and cat… every bird… I could even hear an owl, which I’ve never heard anywhere remotely close to where I live
Each one was so distinct… they were all were happening simultaneously, yet I could hear and process each sound individually, as if it were the only creature I was listening to
I heard no cars, no TVs, no people
All I could do was bask in the beauty and bleed tears of love, peace and joy
So What The Heck Is Going On Around Here?
I don’t have much of an explanation for these experiences, the closest I can come is it’s like The Holy Spirit or something, for lack of a better label, coming in to love on me
Letting me know that IT, God, The Creator of life, the world, the galaxies, cosmos, Universe, ALL OF IT… has my fucking back
It cauterizes my wounds
Lets me know what is True
A deep knowing… a knowing that no dogma, belief or dis-belief can stand up against
Opinions simply no longer matter
As long as I turn to IT and don’t try to run the show myself… which is futile anyway… there’s a deep acceptance, that I’m just along for the ride
That something much bigger and greater than I can even fathom has the wheel
Something greater than any prefabricated, boxed-up and gift-wrapped religion can try to explain or define… no matter how pretty the bow looks
I’ve only spoken with one person who describes having these exact same type of mystical experiences
His name is Tony, he was dying of cancer, and it happened to him in prayer circles for his healing
Today through the miracle of modern medicine, as well as Grace, Tony is cancer free and happier than ever
His cancer, he says, was a gift and a wake-up call
“Look, do you wanna play blindman? Go walk with the shepherd. But me, my eyes are wide fucking open.”
As my life has gotten better, on the inside at least, and I continue in my daily practices of prayer and mediation, as well as not steam-rolling over everything I see, the experiences has been happening less and less
It still happens sometimes, like when higher Truths are spoken, or when my backs against the wall and I pray with absolute intensity for guidance and acceptance
I still don’t know exactly what it is and I don’t need to know
All I know is that it IS
I’m fine with the mystery
What I do know, is that the more I turn my life over to whatever the heck made me and everything else, the better things get
Not always on the outside, but on the inside, at ground zero, where the real work is done, THAT’S where the magic happens
Something much greater than ourselves does a better job of running the show for us.
In fact, we make HORRIBLE directors… decent actors, but BAD DIRECTORS
We can either let our Ego try and run the show
Our Soul in Communion With Our Creator
I think the life of the former exists only to push us to the latter
The Ego can be fun, for a while… but head in that direction too long and you’ll find that it’s a dead end road in the middle of nowhere
There’s a much better route to take, and all it requires is to simply surrender
At least that’s been my experience
I’d like to leave you with a prayer from St Francis of Assisi… a prayer that I hope speaks through some of my writings on this blog
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury,pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen
P.S. If you liked this post, I won’t hold it against it you wanna push some of those social media sharing buttons like the Facebook, Twitter, Reddit and Google Plus buttons at the top of this post and share it with your friends
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P.P.S. Saw Joe Rogan’s stand up again the other night at The Grove in Anaheim, as always he killed it, seen him a few times over the years, cool to see how’s has evolved as a comedian … He was dialed in tight … a true professional
I put this video of his in an earlier post, but it’s worth sharing again, if you haven’t watched it, definitely give it a whirl